So the husband and I are on a truce, a peace period, whatever you want to call it. I'm hoping it's like the calm after a hurricane, and hopefully not the calm between storms. I came real close to leaving, real close but not close enough obviously. Everyone has faults. Faults are our humanity staring us in the face, reminding us we're not immortal or invincible. I was well aware of my husband's faults when I married him. Some of them have lessened over time, and others have blossomed annoyingly so. I'm sure the same goes for me as well so I'm not going to harp on those annoying little things he does that fester beneath my skin until I am about to pull that skin from my body and shove it down his throat in a rage of destruction. What I really want to talk about is manipulation.

Ahhh manipulation, the weapon of cunning individuals used to get what they want without the other party even realizing they just played into their hands perfectly. Most people assume manipulators are just women, but you know what they say about assuming...ass of you and me. And the thing about being manipulated is that everyone around you can see it and tell you, but you're so involved in the situation that you can't see it yourself. You say, "Oh, that person isn't manipulating me. He cares about me. He wouldn't lie to me." And what an idiot you would be. What an idiot I was.

And, of course, who would be a better manipulator than the husband's best friend? Sounds like a plot out of one of those chick flicks that ends up being more depressing than amusing. You know something along the lines of husband and wife aren't getting along, best friend of husband steps in to try to help but ends up falling for wife instead, then does everything in his power to pull them apart, and in the end the wife ends up alone cause she listened to the best friend who was only using her and by the time she came to her senses her husband had left and moved on. Well it sort of went like that, but not to that extreme.

For months my husband's supposed best friend (his best man at our wedding, we'll call him Peter) tried to get me to hate my husband. He pointed out everything the hubs did that he should have done differently. Peter wined me, dined me, and then would tell me how I deserved better, even better than himself. What a martyr! Not! He would help me clean the house and take care of my kids all along saying how the hubs should be the one doing this (even though he was at work). Don't get me wrong. He did have a great point. My husband and I both worked. He should help me out. It's only fair for both of us to chip in, but since Peter was staying with us and not paying for anything hubs figured that Peter should be cleaning and such because he didn't do anything else but play video games.

So this destructive game kept on. Peter did all he could to show me what I deserved, which was someone like him (but not like him because I deserved better...confusing I know), while hubs could tell I was pulling away from him, which angered him and made him continually suspicious. And then there was me, blinded to Peter's true motive by his sweet words and gestures and trying to plan the best way to end my marriage. Of course, I didn't plan on being a single mom. According to Peter and the way he saw me I would never be alone. It would be unthinkable. I never tested that theory and really don't plan to in the near future, but I sat there and ate up his bullshit like a kid with an ice cream cone in the middle of a stifling summer.

I blame him for being a coniving douche, but I also blame myself, more specifically my personality. I'm a writer, a painter, a dancer...I immerse myself in things that are passionate and consuming. I am always searching to feel things, whether they be good or bad. I guess I believe that as long as we're feeling things and experiencing things then we're still alive. The only thing I was feeling in my marriage at the time was a lull. Peter sparked something inside of me for a little while that made me feel hopeful, excited, and most importantly, wanted. I am always searching out that life fulfilling passion that so many authors write about, but I don't believe I will ever find it. I think it dwells in our minds and only emerges in small amounts at a time.

So what happened with Peter? Well after a little while my practical side took over (it usually does), and it began sorting through all the bullshit. I got tired of hearing everything that was wrong with my relationship with my husband, and I took a step back and looked at the situation from a different viewpoint. Here was someone with way more issues than me, but was using my relationship or rather me, as a shield against dealing with his own inner problems. And let me tell you...he has a lot of them. I might have my token daddy issues or what have you, but those are tiny specks of dust compared to the mountains he has hidden inside him. Even when I began doubting him I still didn't see the complete big picture until later, which I will share at another time. For right now I just want to leave you with this...anyone can be a manipulator, even the one person who you think cares about you the most and would never do anything to hurt you. People are mostly selfish and will do things for their own benefit, rather than yours. Always question things. Never accept them for what they appear to be on the surface because most of the time the surface is deceiving to how deep the water really is.

That's my husband and me at the Halloween festival for kids at one of the parks.

That's my two oldest that apparently don't like to look at the camera. Batgirl and Batman!

I'm sure I will have more pictures after tonight...hopefully lol.

The more you try to force a man to stay, the more he can't wait to be free

Everyone knows or has heard of at least one woman who will do anything and everything in her power to trap. . . err I mean keep her man. The problem is that if a man doesn't want to stay then nothing she does is going to change his mind. And really why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? You can't make someone love you. When that nice guy tried to make you love him, did he succeed? No.  If
you don't want to do something you'll find any and every excuse there is not to do it.

A lot of times this happens with ex-girlfriends or soon to be ex-girlfriends. They want him back or they don't want to lose him. But let's face it. . . you're an ex for a reason. You don't have to compete with his new girlfriend(s) because you're not in the running for him anymore.  Trying your hardest to be "better" than her just makes you come across as pathetic. And what does it matter if you're better than her in your eyes because in his eyes you're not? Trying to weasle your way back into the picture reflects poorly on you. Trying to threaten his new girlfriend isn't the best solution either since he is with her and not you. It might be hard to accept the truth, but you'll feel much better once you do. There are plenty of other guys out there for you. Why waste time with one that obviously isn't for you and doesn't want you?

You can try to trap him, but he'll just despise you for it. And he still won't be with you. Even if by chance you break up him and his new girlfriend he is still not going to want you. You can fake a pregnancy or even really have his baby, but that won't make him love you. It won't make him come back. The more you try to pull him to you, the more he is going to push you away. This is not one of those "he just has walls" scenarios. He thinks you're crazy, and if you're trying to trap him you probably are.

We've all been heartbroken and distraught over a breakup. We feel for you, but you've got to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move on. You should never define yourself by whose arm yours is linked with. Be your own person, and stand on your own two feet. Be the best person you can be on your own so that when you find yourself in another serious relationship you'll bring out the best in him and not the worst. Some guys out there are just jerks, and some are great catches. But you're not going to attract a great catch until you're one yourself. And trying to trap your ex is not the way to go.

If you find yourself an ex evaluate the relationship. How could things have been better? In what ways could you improve? Sometimes the guy is just a jerk, but a lot of times both parties are equally guilty in one way or another. Example: You're with someone who walked all over you and didn't appreciate you. He is a jerk, but you let him be. Next time don't put up with someone who doesn't appreciate the great things you do for him. Find a guy that appreciates you and will treat you with the respect you deserve. 

So give your ex's new girlfriend a break. She is not the reason you aren't with him. He is. It was his choice, and there is nothing you can do about it. Talking a lot of trash and trying to act all bad might make you feel like the bigger person, but that's only to disguise the small person you really are. Stop worrying about the past and focus on the present. Concentrating on someone that doesn't want to be with you is going to lead to a very lonely future.  

This is from my new project www.themarilynproject.weebly.com